Laura 10 years l8r

heartshop:

IN MY BEST POLKA DOT SHIRT

when-in-doubt-sing:

elphabaforpresidentofgallifrey:

It’s so bad out there even POTATOES have depression

That’s not a very nice way to call us…

Emo Nite is Every Nite for potatoes

 I told myself at the beginning of all this that, hey I should probably start a blog and do more writing about funemployment to keep my mind busy! Well oops, here I am on the last day of my unemployment and I guess I won’t be chronicling the journey as thoroughly as I wanted to.

better late than never.

I spent 2 months and 8 days being unemployed. If there was one word I had to sum up those 2 months and 8 days…I know what that word is…and I have a little shame in admitting it…

Slothy.

I was so goddamn slothy looking back. 

The first week I was not. I was a raw nerve of terror. I remember waking up on my third day of unemployment thinking “omg laura you don’t have a job yet. you should have gotten like 4 jobs by now”

I also remember a text exchange between me and my older brother as he consoled me: 

Brother: Is it nice at least to have some relaxation time away from work?

Me: It’s been hard to transition out of my workaholism and embrace time off sometimes time off spent by myself isnt good for my anxious brain

…and about 8 days later that concern went RIGHT THE FUCK OUT THE WINDOW and In came the SLOTH. Bring in the Noise, Bring in the Sloth! I fully basked in my complete and utter lack of responsibilities. I rarely wore real pants, Bras were special occasional only. My couch is gonna miss me when I start work.

I went on 6 job interviews.

I realized the Slothiness hit hard when on my first interview, on a Friday morning, I watched several employees bustling around doing various tasks and all I thought to myself was “…ugh, no thank you.”

I went on 6 job interviews but fought my way through about 8,000 job listings a WEEK between craigslist, linkedin, glassdoor and ziprecruiter. The single best job posting I found was …

youre welcome.

On the upside, after years of perpetual hair styling (as the manager of hair stylists, I had to reflect my business) I gave my hair a vacation from damaging heat styling tools. I spent most of my unemployment days avoiding the outside world rocking a Jewfro. My hair cuticles went from fried and misshapen to restored and grateful. Considering my typical hair routine involves 2 styling tools, 3 hair products and approximately 1.5 hours of work, Unemployment seriously was a blessing for my over treated hair. 

I watched SO much TV. 

I journaled per use. 

I slightly hiked at Red Rocks and In Golden. Slightly Hiked* a new sport for recovering couchaholics….its low impact and it involves taking more selfies in nature than strenuous working out. These activities were important when I’d check my iphone health app and it said I’d only taken 16 steps that day. 16! Whoa nelly…

I kinda beat myself for not taking the time to be more creative and proactive in my unemployment. Sure I had some amazing tweets (https://twitter.com/laura_condi ) and created some memorable instagram stories (Cement Day) but there was a serious lack of getting on stage that i’m shaming myself for now. Being onstage definitely feeds my soul.  

I did HOWEVER effectively use all the funds on my FSA health care account before the end of the year….Sure I didn’t have a stable income, but I did have $122 that I could spend in health care services ranging from eye doctors appointments to cotton balls and band-aids and I would be GODDAMNED if I didn’t squeeze every drop out of that shit. 

sidenote: I own so many bandaids now.

What I won’t miss about funemployment:

The low-grade panic attacks that start around 1:30/1:40 pm every day and conclude right before Ellen comes on. Ellen everyday at 3:00 was my jam.

What I will miss…

just staring at my cat sleep for hours curled up (categorically established as his CUTEST state of being) and with every 30-40 minutes of slumber he will change positions and let out the tiniest and most adorable death screams….I can only hope my slumbering death screams are as adorable when I produce them at 6:00 am every morning before work.

Things I learned about myself while unemployed…

Cheese Hangovers are a real thing.

So wait….Things I learned about myself cheese while unemployed…

I spent Thanksgiving alone and was cat sitting when I decided to treat myself to a small feast of Extra Sharp Cheddar, since I don’t really like Thanksgiving food. I felt really good about this cheese, it was from Australia, it was in the fancy isle of King Soopers where they make it look like a cheese museum… Anyway I plopped down on the couch, watched the entire Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade (sidenote when Barenaked ladies came out signing One Week on a Kings Hawaiian float, I nearly shit myself with happiness) and I began to chomp on that extra sharp block like it was an ice cream bar, wrapper hanging off it like I was trying to maintain some level of dignity. Sadly, what followed the next day was a headache, sinus swelling and nauseous like I had never experienced and with a few Google searches It was confirmed to me, I had a cheese hang over.

Live hard. Learn hard.

I stopped shopping at Target and started shopping at Walmart. My lavish lifestyle of affording $12 candles at Target was bottom line reckless and now I found myself at Walmart, telling myself to not be a bitch and reserve judgements for those around me. Then I reminded myself the website peopleofwalmart was dead on and that is not my fault. Don’t get me wrong the prices are great. The people are not. and by people, I can specifically point out the Wal Mart Team member I saw eating a bag of Cheetos from a wall of Cheetos he was restocking on the shelf, and a stray child crawling out of the door of a freezer in the frozen foods section. It was miraculous really.

Did I make any new years resolutions? fucking…not really? I only told myself to take things day by day. So far so good.

How did I spend my NYE? getting high, journaling and listening to Jimmy Eat World like SOPHOMORE YEAR LAURA WOULD HAVE WANTED.

Sorta like a break up I’ve had to come to terms with all of the artifacts I still have from my former employer. Coffee cups, multiple t shirts, sweatshirts, lanyards, magnets, lighters, bottle openers, all with the blasphemous name of my former employer …I wonder wtf to do with all of it. Most of my rage has subsided and I turn away from the thought of dramatically collecting them and burning everything in one of the fire pits of my rooftop deck…I don’t feel that dramatic….but oo on second thought the super blood moon is tonight…that might make for some fun astrological shit..

I coped with most of my feelings in healthy ways, I journaled, I talked to friends, I surrounded myself with support. But no matter the healing, I still got weird pangs of heart ache and nerves at random times, like when I watched something on TV where a character lost something important in only a matter of seconds…whether that character was a husband, or NCIS victim or a cartoon cactus I cant remember, but I mostly remember feeling sad for them. cuz I was still sad for me….and in classic Laura fashion it’s easier for me to feel for other people than it is for myself. Such a Pisces.

Right now its 6:30 on Sunday, the last day of my funemployment and theres not much that feels remarkable or ceremonial about it. I went to Target and got printer paper and cat food, did laundry and finished my taxes.  I stand by the Slothiness I engaged in over my 2 months and 8 days, I deserved it. Of course I didn’t go out drinking and have one crazy rager before I went back to work, that would be incredibly irresponsible, plus Im pretty broke so…xoxo